Jokes thread

UK exclusive!

Despite the recent news, Tesco says that their beef burger sales remain stable.
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Went to the fridge to check my burgers...

aaaaannndddd they're off!
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I think someone may be sending me death threats.

Woke up this morning with a Tesco burger on my pillow.
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Tesco - Unexpected item in bagging area.

Yeah, a fucking horse.
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If you think the Horse Burgers in Tesco are bad, wait until you see their Unicorn on the Cob.
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I selected some burgers on the Tesco website...

I then clicked on "Add to cart".
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Tesco's veggie burgers are being tested for traces of uniquorn.
 
More UK exclusive:

Tourists in London never get used to the weather.

Rain, hail, snow, helicopters.
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Storks bring people into the world.

Cranes take them out.
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I was told by a friend this morning that Stevie Wonder was in London taking Helicopter lessons.

I was just wondering if anyone knew how he got on?
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Despite the closure of HMV and Blockbuster, you can still buy Steven Spielberg's 'War Horse'...

At the frozen food aisle in Tesco.
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My doctor told me I should watch what I eat.

So I've booked tickets for the Grand National in April.
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The BBC have just commissioned a new series about the life of Yorkshire Ripper Peter Sutcliffe.

Hoes Under The Hammer will start in early spring.
 
I think rape awareness is very important for women.

That's why I'm not going to drug them anymore.
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Don't try to understand women.

Women understand women and they hate each other.
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Apparently, Lincoln will be in theatres soon.

You'd think he'd have learned his lesson the last time.
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I've come up with a way to unite the Catholics and Protestants in Northern Ireland.

Send over a million Muslims.
 
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