Jokes thread

It's funny how axe handles are made of wood.

It's like the ultimate 'Fuck you' to trees.
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God works in mysterious ways.

That's why he watches people masturbate rather than feeding the starving children in Africa.
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Being called Alan, my two mates Gav and Ian were laughing because my name is an anagram of "anal".

If only I could think of some sort of come back...
 
This week, why not take the kids to see that film about the guy with the long hair and the hammer who's been sent to earth on a mission from the gods?

Who doesn't love Peter Sutcliffe?
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"Fucking kids are expensive," I said.

"Is," replied my lawyer.
 
I choked on a gobstopper once, and came up with a name for a Welsh village.
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Phone tapping allies, stopping peace talks in Pakistan, seizing 50% of South America's GDP, having great humanitarian schemes in Iraq like "Oil for food". Pissing the communists off to no end. Selling arms to people then a few years later going to war against them, dropping 2 FUCKING NUKES on Japan and raping Africa for 100 years after everyone else quit.

I don't think the American government is actually paranoid.

Everybody has a good reason to hate it.
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What's America's worst nightmare?

Peace in the Middle East, it appears.
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Man found hanged in his flat, 8 years after committing suicide.

Sorta proves his point, really.
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The year is 2013. There are machines which can look through skin and see bones. There are machines which keep you alive when your brain and heart have stopped. There's even a machine that can tell you who your parents are with a single drop of spit.

However, when I need my prostate checking, a man sticks his finger up my asshole and wriggles it about a bit.
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Sometimes I like to hide my wife's inhaler.

So the neighbours think I'm a stallion when they hear her panting "Give it to me!"
 
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