Jokes thread

Call Of Duty, certificate 18.

Join the army at 16, get a couple years practice.
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Two 19 year old girls are getting slagged off in the news for winning a fancy dress competition dressed as the 'Twin Towers',

I don't know what the problem is, I went as a fireman and they both went down on me.
 
I was at the beach when I noticed my friend getting sunburned.

"Wow, you Jewish guys burn easily don't you?

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I asked a Jewish girl for her number,

she rolled up her sleeve.
 
Lying is dangerous.

If you repeat the same one often enough, it can become a religion.
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I invented a device that religiously records every single thing you see, say and do throughout your life in minute detail. The idea being that you can look back at how dull and boring it is and then do something to improve it.

Then I found out Facebook beat me to it.
 
I've been trying to avoid my neighbour all day today - he's best described as a "mentally unbalanced sexist, lacking in morals".

I tend to turn that into an acronym if I have talk to him though.
 
It's pretty cool when you're in your bed, it's 7AM, you close your eyes for 5 minutes, and it's suddenly 8:45.

But when you're at work, it's 2:30, you close your eyes for 5 minutes, and it's fucking 2:29.
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As my wife lay there, handcuffed to the bed, covered in semen with a buttplug hanging out of her anus, two things occurred to me:

Firstly since I took her virginity all those years ago, she had become more uninhibited in the bedroom than I could have ever anticipated.

Secondly, she'd clearly forgotten that I was going to be home early.
 
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