Jokes thread

English is a language where 'lead' rhymes with 'read' and 'lead' rhymes with 'read'.
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I have decided to start a company where all the money made will buy bread for Indian children's curries.

It will be a naan profit organization.
 
McFly and Busted a super group?

That's like combining the Tories and Lib Dems and calling them a government.
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What does a Catholic shout during sex?

Get off me, father.
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The 1.3 billionth Chinese baby was born in September 2013.

And they still can't get the eyes right.
 
I was watching a news report about the typhoon in the Philippines. A man looked into the camera in tears, surrounded by devastation and dead bodies.

"Help us..." he cried. "Please help us..."

I wanted to, but my remote doesn't have a "Like" button.
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Babe, you're going through a difficult time and we've been friends for years, of course I'll be your "shoulder to cry on"

As long as you understand, one day I may need a pair of tits to wank over.
 
The first time I asked a woman to make love to me my hands were sweating and shaking uncontrollably...

I've never pointed a gun at anyone before.
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"Name a famous explorer that has been forgotten?" asked my son.

"Internet Explorer," I replied.
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I was just watching a BBC report from the Philippines where their man on the ground was commenting on how aid agencies couldn't get food and water to the area.

Why don't they tie the food and water to BBC news teams?
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Before I met my wife I was a loser with no friends, no job and no self belief.

However with her love and support I've become an outgoing person with a good job and a confident attitude.

In fact I've changed so much I can now pull a decent looking bird.
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In a world where people still "can't believe it's not butter", it's unsurprising religion isn't doing well.
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China is apparently going to relax their one child per family policy.

Well, those iPhones won't make themselves will they?
 
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