Jokes thread

[BlackDragon37]

My wife was so ugly as a child the local paedophile used to eat his own sweets.
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What do you get if you cross a Hillsborough victim with a Holocaust survivor?

A sense of perspective.
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I still can't believe Katie Price and Dwight Yorke are no longer a couple.

What they had together was so special.
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I see the U.S. will provide financial aid to Ukraine if the leaders confront corruption.

Because if anything stops corruption, it's bribing someone to stop corruption.
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Bruce Forsyth would have been in court on child abuse charges but he's that old all his victims have died.

 

[K0rN_b4LL]

Fake hair, fake nails, fake tan, and a fake smile.

Girl, are you sure you weren't made in China?

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Three people are a threesome,

Two people are a twosome,

I'm beginning to see why you think you are handsome.

 

[BlackDragon37]

Bayern Munich 0 - 4 Real Madrid.

The last time a foreign squad had that many shots on target in Munich, Israel lost half their athletics team.
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Ladies...

The quickest way to a man's heart is through your anus.
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You learn something new every day.

Unless you go to a faith school.

 

[K0rN_b4LL]

You can tell how much a girl like you by looking at her feet.

If her feet are behind her ears then she really, really likes you.

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Women can be really sexist too.

But, like with everything else, men are usually just better at it.

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Poli = Many (latin)

Ticks = Blood sucking insects

Poli + Ticks = Politics

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Life is like a box of chocolates,

It doesn't last as long for fat people.

 

[BlackDragon37]

Subway now refuse to serve ham or bacon so as not to offend Muslims.

Not the first time they've fucked up our subways, in fairness.
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I bought one of those watches that tell you how far you've walked. It says I did 1500 miles last night.

Must be broken. I was in bed watching porn.
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What do you call a Muslim husband?

Abusif.