Jokes thread

[BlackDragon37]

My gut feeling says my hand is way too far up my ass.
---

Film director Roman Polanski said in an interview that the contraceptive pill is having a 'masculinizing' effect on today's women.

No, Roman. It's perfectly normal, and it's called 'pubic hair'. Hardly surprising you weren't familiar with it.

 

[BlackDragon37]

Hayfever season.

The time of year when I actually use tissues for their intended purpose.
---

Amanda Holden judging talent is like Hitler judging compassion.
---

An empty browsing history is a dirty browsing history.

 

[K0rN_b4LL]

 

[Donutman]

 

[BlackDragon37]

I'd rather have Samuel L Jackson narrate my life.

No offense, Morgan Freeman. My life requires multiple uses of the word "motherfucker".
---

When you're down and feeling powerless, just remember this:

A single pubic hair of yours can shut down an entire restaurant.
---

On holiday in Thailand, I got drunk one night and chucked the TV out of my hotel room window.

I've been charged with attempted murder.
---

My wife was reading about Michael Douglas contracting throat cancer from performing oral sex on his wife.

"I suppose you think you're lucky there's no chance of you catching that," she said sarcastically.

"I suppose you think you're lucky the dog can't read," I replied.
---

I don't get why Americans don't make movies like Star Wars these days.

The rebellious underdogs flying their planes in a suicide mission into the heart of a base to destroy the mighty empire that is threatening to overtake their homeland doesn't seem to appeal to them anymore.
---

According to the latest World Population figures, there are 7 Billion people on earth compared to only 5 Billion 20 years ago.

I blame these illegal immigrants.