Jokes thread

I wonder how much maternity leave Kate Middleton will take before she goes back to doing nothing.
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A royal baby was born yesterday.

Considering how much we spend on the Royal Family, so were we.
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The last time I had sex with my wife, I filmed it.

On Betamax.
 
I ordered a leather sofa off the Ikea website last week.

They sent me a dead cow and some instructions on how to skin it.
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So finally the pope has spoken out against the legalization of drugs.

About time, drugs make you see and believe things that aren't real.
 
The Chinese government have decided to ban Despicable Me 2. They don't want their own yellow minions getting any ideas.
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Why did Kate, Will and George cross the road?

Fuck knows! But the Daily Mail have dedicated their first 30 pages to it.
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I'm not saying I hate my boss or anything.

But I'm pretty sure I look forward to her going on holiday more than she does.
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There's got to be some advantages to being in a gay relationship.

I mean... imagine having an argument you could actually win.
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Everyone suffering from diseases and natural disasters listen up...

You hang in there, we're liking Facebook posts as fast as we possibly can!
 
I for one hope that the porn industry start a campaign to get the Daily Mail banned.
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Having sex with a teacher for better test scores is not degrading.
 
"I wish we were a couple like Justin and Selena," I said to my girlfriend.

"Get with it," she said, "they've split up."

"OK, then Heidi and Seal."

"They've split up too!"

"OK, then like Justin and Britney."

"They split up 10 years ago!"

"Hmm," I said, "you're not fucking getting it, are you?"
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At this rate Nelson Mandela will be portraying Morgan Freeman's final moments.
 
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