Jokes thread

I've been playing a few pranks on the missus recently. Last night I replaced her sleeping tablets with laxatives just before we got into bed.

Unfortunately it back fired on me.
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My kids are at that awkward age at the moment.

Too old to be cute and too young to kick out of the fucking house.
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So compared to his predecessors, Pope Francis has a more relaxed stance when it comes to homosexuality.

I suppose that helps it slide in more easily.
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My mum caught me going through her drawers and sniffing her knickers.

"Go to your room immediately and think about what you've done," she yelled.

So I did.

Which resulted in a wank.
 
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"I've got a horrible cold," complained my girlfriend. "I can't taste or smell anything."

Brilliant, I thought as I unzipped my trousers. The final two excuses for not giving me a blow job are no longer valid.
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Whenever my mate Dave starts stuttering, I always try and lighten the mood.

By pretending to scratch invisible turntables.
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As a gamer, I don't fear dying; I fear a stranger tea-bagging my corpse.
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They say penis size doesn't matter because you can use your fingers instead

However, nobody on the other side of the local glory holes seems interested in my hand.
 
The best part going to the dentist was the fact he put me to sleep before extracting my tooth.

The worst part was getting back to mine and finding out my boxers were on backwards.
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This enormous bitch came up to me at the bar last night, she said:

"You might not remember me stud, I've put on a bit of weight recently, but we used to go out years ago."

"Wow... seeing you reminds me of The Matrix" I said.

"Because I'm the one?" she cooed.

"Nah" I replied, "I dodged a fucking bullet."
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I'm so ugly, when I wank I pretend I'm somebody else.
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My fruit and vegetable business has gone into liquidation.

We now sell smoothies.
 
I was going to buy lottery tickets on the way home from work, but I was running late, so in order to save time I decided to throw my money out the window instead.
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You notice cultural differences when you travel around.

For example, 'Ya mama's so fat' insults are actually considered compliments in Ethiopia.
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I think my wife is a magician.

She can produce four different arguments out of one single glance at a pair of tits.
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I was trying to visit an anorexia website earlier.

Turns out to get it to work, you have to refuse to accept cookies.
 
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