Jokes thread

Twerking and Selfie have been added to the dictionary.

Future and Optimism have been removed.
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It's often said that Britain has a 'special relationship' with the United States.

Well, what other kind of relationship can you have with a fucking retard?
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I've got a job at the Kit Kat factory.

We do fuck all.
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I know a guy who has one eye bigger than the other.

His name is Iain.
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I work for the world's largest nanotechnology company.

We're not very good.
 
I asked Jonathan Ross if he knew what currency they use in India.

He got really excited!
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Syria's President Assad referred to President Obama as weak.

Obama is so angry he plans to ask Congress for permission to come up with a good comeback.
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Drum 'n' bass takes two of my favourite things and adds a D and B in front of them.
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Samsung have unveiled the Galaxy Gear smart watch.

Apple is preparing to sue because it's a clear rip off something they haven't made yet but might at some point...
 
The Japanese flag is actually a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
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Summer is officially coming to an end and you know what that means...

All you half naked ladies are going to have to find a personality.
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So after invading Iraq to find non-existent weapons of mass destruction, then Afghanistan to find a terrorist that was at home in Pakistan all along, we are now planning to invade Syria to stop them using the weapons we sold them...

Sounds about right actually. I don't get what oil the fuss is about.
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How do you confuse a feminist?

Tell her that your wife wants the right to an abortion.

Then tell her it's because your wife doesn't want a girl.
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"70% of the people don't know how to use the superlative degree in English"

That's the most stupidest thing that I've ever heard.
 
Muammar al-Gaddafi, Bashar al-Assad, Saddam Hussein, Osama Bin Laden...

One thing's clear, to be a top ranking tyrant or terrorist these days you've got to have two letter A's in your first name.

Barack Obama, you have my full support...
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"He looks just like his grandfather," is a typically cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world.

In Alabama, it's more of an accusation.
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Only 29% of Americans want the U.S. to attack Syria.

Which on the plus side means that 29% of Americans know there is a place called Syria...
 
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