Jokes thread

I drove my car into a river and watched it turn into a mobile phone.

One minute, a Kia.

Next minute, Nokia.
---

My computer takes so long to respond these days that it's only good for the United Nations now.
---

Got chatted up by a large lady in the pub last night who asked, "So, what do you do?"

Responding with "Not fat chicks!" was totally worth the drink in the face.
---

'One Direction - This Is Us' is in cinemas this week.

If you're into watching random images of cunts, save yourself some money and log onto Redtube.
 
Smartphone owners - that blurred bit just off the edge of the screen is called life.
---

As a very wealthy Nigerian nowadays, I'm finding it extremely hard to give away my millions.
---

Bought a really nice pair of curtains yesterday.

So nice, in fact, that I fucked them last night and wiped my cock on the wife.
 
If you've ever lost your iPhone, take solace in the thought that maybe - just maybe - some mouse family now has a flat-screen TV.
---

My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what's happening.
---

I lost my virginity at a very young age, it felt like I had gone from family cartoons to teenage sluts in no time at all.

Kinda like what Disney have done.
---

Cheryl Cole's tattooist:

"Okay Cheryl, sit still while I apply this, erm... anti-septic cream."
---

If a bear attacks you, play dead.

OK good, you're about to feel like this forever.
---

At the last supper, Jesus takes the bread, blesses it, and says, "Take this, all of you, and eat it, for this is my body."

He then proceeds to bless the wine and says, "Take this, all of you, and drink it, for this is my blood."

Finally, he picks up the milk, but Peter looks at him and says, "You can fuck right off."
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top