Jokes thread

I hope child protective services takes away George Lucas's newborn fourth child before it is too late.

Kingdom of the Crystal Skull and The Phantom Menace prove George can only make three of something before he starts to bugger it.
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There's a film about Supergirl going to be made. The advertising strapline for it will go like this:

"Is it a bird?"

"Yep"
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It must have been awkward for Joseph when Mary cried out, "Oh Jesus!" during sex.
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Today marks the 50th anniversary of the great train robbery.

To celebrate I went into London Kings Cross and paid £4.50 for a cup of tea.
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What do you call a man who truly understands women?

A misogynist.
 
The Daily Mail has left me slightly confused.

Do millions of immigrants come to Britain to steal our jobs or claim our benefits?
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My wife and I were playing high card draw today.

I won the first round, so I got a blow job and I blew a full load in her mouth.

Joke's on me though, she won the second and asked for a French kiss.
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I went over to meet the new lesbian couple who have moved in opposite.

"There's something you should know about this house," I said, "The last 3 people who have lived here died after drawing their bedroom curtains."
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In the Jobcentre today, I interviewed a black guy.

"What kind of work are you looking for?" I asked him.

"I want to join the Police, rise through the ranks and do something about the racism that corrupts the force." he explained.

"I'll just put 'comedian'."
 
The Pink Panther's To Do list:

- To do

- To do

- To do, to do, to do, to do, to doooo...
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In Cairo, heavy duty vehicles driven by Government loyalists, crush dozens of tent-dwellers to death.

The Egyptian curse of two ton car men strikes again.
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"You're the cutest, most gorgeous woman I've ever seen..."

"You just want to fuck me."

"...and you're pretty clever too."
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Ikea has warned that some of its children's beds are unsafe.

Specifically, the ones they sold to Catholic boarding schools.
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I was sitting in the kitchen this morning when my wife stormed down in a rage.

She yelled, "What did I tell you about the fucking toilet seat?"

I said, "To leave it down."

She shouted, "Then why did you leave it up?"

"If I didn't, you would've went back to bed instead of coming down here to yell at me," I replied. "Now get my fucking breakfast on!"
 
Nothing is more precious than the laughter of children.

Except the sweet fucking silence of not having any.
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I was in a club last night, and everyone on the dancefloor was staggering around as if they'd been shot.

Then I realised the DJ was playing 'Walk Like An Egyptian'.
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Nearly fucked a ladyboy last night.

Picked him up in a night club. He looked like a woman. Smelled like a woman. Danced like a woman. Even kissed like a woman, but as we arrived back at his apartment he reversed his car into a tight parking slot in one fluid movement...

That's when I thought "Fucking hell there's something wrong here."
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I suggested to my Thai bride that we have a baby.

For some reason she's dead set on adoption.
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"You the bomb!"

"No, you the bomb!"

Kind gesture in America, argument in the Middle East.
 
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