Jokes thread

You shouldn't let a language barrier affect your chances of sleeping with a beautiful girl.

That's why I always carry a gun.
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Just seen a dwarf buying a packet of water balloons.

Someone's getting lucky tonight.
 
You know you're a good rapist when she gets on top.
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I just read that the Pope has said he doesn't mind if priests are gay or not.

Finally, its about time the Catholic Church gave gay priests the same respect they give paedophiles.
 
I've finally got the body that I always dreamed about.

Thanks to rohypnol.
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I was licking my girlfriend's minge last night when she suddenly pushed my head away.

"What's wrong?" I asked, wiping the juice from my lips.

"She's about to give birth," replied the midwife.
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Government spying on people they work for = security.

People spying on government that work for them = terrorists.
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"I can't believe it," she cried. "In the pub, you promised me a whole night of sweaty sex with your twelve inch cock and the greatest orgasms I had ever had. Instead you whip out that maggot and cum on my handbag as soon as I take my top off."

"I'm sorry, I didn't think I was going to have to deliver," replied Nick Clegg.
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I was speed dating last night and the girl opened with "I like a man with old fashioned values."

"I'm your man then," I replied.

She giggled, "Would you always open doors for me?"

"Yes," I answered. "I'd also knock you the fuck out if you burned my dinner."
 
Presumably Oprah Winfrey wants equality for black people.

Well, there's nothing more equal than starving African children and a fat multi-millionaire buying vanity products in Switzerland.
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So Rihanna is in a new movie playing an assassin.

If anyone knows something about being a hit woman, it's Rihanna.
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My son came home from School today and asked me what the difference between Protestants and Catholics is.

"Well son," I replied, "Protestants believe that the Bible alone is the source of God's word and that no man on earth may add to God's teachings, whereas Catholics on the other hand believe that it's OK to fuck young boys up the arse."
 
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