Jokes thread

BlackDragon37 said:
We choose to masturbate, not because it is easy, but because it is hard.
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My wife was reading one of her magazines and turned to me and asked "Have you ever shagged a fat munter?"

She said it with a straight face too.
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Usually when one types "lol", for me its just a slight chuckle in my head or on a good day a little snicker. But this...ilaughed so hard i pooped a little.

Im dying to show my wife.
 
Hot Rod Dave said:
Usually when one types "lol", for me its just a slight chuckle in my head or on a good day a little snicker. But this...ilaughed so hard i pooped a little.

Im dying to show my wife.
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R.I.P. Hot Rod Dave.

When The Hulk goes off into a vicious rage and destroys everything, he's "Incredible."

But when I do it, I'm "an alcoholic".
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In recent months Pope Francis has said, "Who am I to judge homosexuals?", and also that atheists might get into Heaven.

Which begs the question, "Is the Pope a Catholic?"
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First rule of the Fibonacci club is 'Don't talk about the Fibonacci club'

First rule of the Fibonacci club is 'Don't talk about the Fibonacci club'

And that sums up the second rule of the Fibonacci club.
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I decided to upgrade my phone.

So I deleted my wife's number.
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What's a pirate's favourite letter?

You may think it's "Arrr" but nay, his first love be the "C".
 
17 months ago Ed Buckley, 22, from Welwyn Garden City, Hertfordshire woke up from a six month coma after being struck by a speeding taxi. On top of being unable to speak or walk, he was left with profound memory loss and could barely recall his name. However, when he sat down at a piano, he could still remember the chords to his favourite Coldplay songs.

It just goes to show, you'd have to be fucking brain-damaged to enjoy Coldplay.
 
Has anyone had a look in Schrodinger's grave to see if he's in there?
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I'm willing to bet good money the inventor of the ejection seat was married.
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I walked into an opticians.

I said, "Hello sir, I think I need some new glasses."

"I think you're right," she replied.
 
In a new report it says that if women have excessive belly fat and a muffin-top it can be fatal.

Especially if you mention it to them.
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My girlfriend bloody loves shopping. It's been days since I've seen her.

Crazy Kenyan bitch.
 
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