Jokes thread

More than a quarter of 18 to 24-year-olds in Britain do not trust Muslims, a BBC Radio 1 poll suggests.

But that's got nothing on the number of 1 to 16-year-olds that don't trust BBC employees.
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When a bird tells you she has a nipple piercing, the correct response is always "I don't believe you."
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You never realise how much you need to take a shit until you've been put on hold.
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My wife was only 23 when she committed suicide after she found out that I'd once had sex with her mum.

I mean God, that was nearly 24 years ago, it shouldn't affect her!
 
It's not a recession until your internet is cut off and you have to masturbate to the woman in a red bikini on the Special K box.
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I found out today, the best time to call your wife a fat cunt is in a buffet queue.

She really wants to storm off, but...
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There's an article in New Scientist which says they've found a link between the chemicals in shampoo, and obesity.

For fuck's sake, if you're eating shampoo your weight's the least of your concerns.
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You'd be surprised how quickly the sales people at the DIY store try and assist you after ignoring you for the past 15 minutes when you try and start a chainsaw.
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Masturbation is classed as sinful by the Catholic Church.

Surely I'm balancing that by praying for the bus driver not to look around.
 
Statistically, if you asked 100 girls from Essex to sleep with you, at least one would say no.
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Nigella Lawson's ex-husband, Charles Saatchi, is now seeing Trinny Woodall.

That's like moving from a comfy sofa to a park bench.
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So if the 'white widow' Samantha Lethwaite DID die a martyr in the Nairobi shopping mall attacks, is she now being gang-banged by 72 Muslim virgins?
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Successfully re-elected, highly regarded as a leading motor of European stability and prosperity, you can at least be sure Chancellor Angela Merkel didn't fuck her way to the top.
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According to 'The Hobbit', Gollum was once a normal man.

The biggest mistake he made was putting on that ring, which drained him of his youth, vitality, and energy.

I got one of those when I was married.
 
I'm a gay Jehovah's Witness.

I'll only knock on your back door.
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Average weight of men is 74kg and that of women is 59kg.

Fucking hell, I didn't know that working brains weighed 15kg more.
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I always tell people I work for the United Nations.

It's a better way of saying I'm U.N.employed.
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My girlfriend wears so much foundation, I need planning permission to cum on her face.
 
Scientists have discovered that diarrhea is actually hereditary.

It runs in your "jeans".

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