Jokes thread

So Charles Saatchi was married to a woman who could be a chef in the kitchen, a tart in the boudoir, and who had access to Class-A drugs?

And he divorced her?

No wonder his fucking advertising agency went out of business.
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I'm a closet racist.

I fucking hate them all - cupboards, wardrobes, cabinets, especially those locker cunts. Coming over here, hanging our clothes.
 
The Scottish National Party said that if Scotland gets independence it will want the following:

To keep the Pound
To keep the monarchy
To keep BBC programmes.

That's like divorcing the wife but telling her you'll be home for tea at night and still expect sex.
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Be careful not to confuse Ian Watkins from The Lost Prophets with Ian Watkins, "H" from Steps.
One likes to rape children and make music, the other likes to rape music and not make children.
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Sean Connery has always said he would leave the Bahamas and return to his homeland of Scotland, if it ever gained independence.

He must be shitting himself.
 
So I went to church with my Grandmother for a Thanksgiving service. During one prayer she hands me a piece of paper that read-

"I just let out a quiet fart. Do you smell it?"

I took the paper and wrote back-

"Turn up your hearing aid."
 
I got into an embarrassing situation at a swingers' party last night. I snuck up behind an older lady, started fucking her from behind then looked up and suddenly realised that the guy at the other end of the spitroast, getting a blowjob, was my dad.

I said, "After 30 years of marriage I can't believe you're being unfaithful to mum."

He said, "I'm not."
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Plain packaging for cigarettes won't reduce the number of smokers.

Pakistan has tried a similar experiment for hundreds of years, and burkas didn't reduce the number of rapists.
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Shocking news unfolding on our TV screens right now from Glasgow.

Hundreds of Scots leaving a pub before last orders.
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I was in a pub in Glasgow last night and it was utter chaos, smoke everywhere, people screaming, fighting, spilled beer and men trampling each other in a blind panic to be free.

Then, to make matters worse, a fucking helicopter crashed through the roof!
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Police in Glasgow have confirmed they have arrested a man who climbed on the roof of a pub to paint 'HAPPY ST. ANDREWS DAY' in giant white letters.

Fortunately they managed to stop him after he only had time to finish the 'H'.
 
I couldn't sleep last night because of the live music at the Clutha pub opposite so I complained to the authorities.

To be fair, the police came down on them like a ton of bricks.
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I went into a pub in Glasgow last night, and must admit, I thought they had gone overboard with the ceiling fan.
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Tonight on Top Gear: a helicopter drives into a pub, we send an actor into a tree and Ian Watkins is the star in a reasonably priced kid.
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Seems Paul Walker went from Fast and Furious to Gone In 60 Seconds.
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Walker's Crisp.
 
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