Jokes thread

People seem shocked that:

1. Nelson Mandela died aged 95.

2. Tom Daley is bi.

3. England probably won't win the World Cup.

I'm thinking of becoming a fortune teller.
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I saw my mate walking down the street hand in hand with some fat girl this afternoon.

I asked him, "Is she your girlfriend?"

Smiling, he said, "What gave it away?"

I replied, "A zoo, by the looks of it."
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There's no hiding from facts.

Although a church can be good camouflage.
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Idris Elba, the actor who plays Nelson Mandela, is asked what drew him to the role.

He said, "Its apartheid always wanted".
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Martin Luther King is waiting for Nelson Mandela as he gets to heaven.

"Welcome Mister Mandela, you have had a long and eventful life and done so much for our kind of people, I hope I was some kind of inspiration to you in your work."

"You were," replied Nelson, "I made sure I didn't get shot."
 
When does Tom take it up the ass?

Daley.
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Tom Daley has said it's important to abstain from sex before an important diving competition.

A gaping ass would whistle on the way down.
 
Thank you Chris Rock
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The helicopter that crashed into a Glasgow pub killing nine people could have destroyed a mosque a couple of hundred yards away.

And they wonder why the public have no faith in the police.
 
I've never understood why women love cats so much. They are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep.

In other words, every quality that a woman hates in a man they love in a cat.

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There are only three types of people who tell the truth.

Kids, drunk people, and people who are pissed the fuck off.
 
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