Jokes thread

I had some tests done at the hospital recently and the doctor phoned today with the results. I said to him, "So, is it good news or bad?"

He replied, "Well, put it this way - have you ever considered visiting Disneyland?"
 
We declared war on drugs and more drugs came into the country. We declared war on terrorists and the terrorists became more prevalent in our country. Maybe we should declare war on jobs and money and see what happens.
 
I think we may have done this before but fuck it-

Last night I dreamed that I killed all the pants saggers, the swaggers, and their duck-faced girlfriends.

It was called the "Yolocaust."

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What's the main difference between oral sex and anal sex?

Oral sex makes your day, but anal sex makes your hole weak!
 
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I've just seen the news about Muslim staff in M&S refusing to sell alcohol.

What next? Christian staff in B&Q refusing to sell nails and wood?
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I asked a Chinese girl for her number.

She replied, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!"

I said, "Wow!"

Then her friend said, "She means 6663629."
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I was in the process of preparing the Christmas turkey but it was getting a bit stressful.

I took a deep breath and asked myself, "What would Nigella do?"

So I smoked a joint and had two lines of cocaine.
 
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