Jokes thread

[BlackDragon37]

Which is an Islamic trait?

A. heading
B. heading
C. heading
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The parents of Ashya King may well have escaped prosecution now for kidnapping their own child. But just wait til they get home and find they've been fined for him not attending school.
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Malaysia Airlines has provoked a storm of controversy by asking customers to list the things that they would most like to do before they die.

1. Land at my destination.
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I had a right good wank over those leaks on the weekend.

That'll teach them, for making me work in the vegetable aisle.

 

[BlackDragon37]

Spoiler: Too soon

Breaking news, Joan Rivers has attempted the ice bucket challenge, but she slipped and kicked it instead.
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Joan Rivers died doing what she loved...

Having surgery performed on her.
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It's not all bad news for the family of the late Joan Rivers.

At least they won't need an embalmer.
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The good news about Joan Rivers' death is that the body can go straight to Madame Tussauds.
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The family of Joan Rivers have announced that her funeral can't take place for two weeks.

Next week is garden waste and plastic recycling isn't until the week after.
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I feel sorry for Joan Rivers' family.

Their plastic recycling bin is already full.
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It's completely wrong that everyone is saying Joan Rivers should be 'put in a recycling bin'.

Everyone knows you can't recycle old plastic bags.

 

[BlackDragon37]

Spoiler: Too soon

Tributaries are pouring in for Joan Rivers.
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Joan Rivers is like an Iceland lasagne:

More plastic than meat and soon to be put in the oven.

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A guy walked in to my insurance brokers yesterday to try and claim for his 25k Porno collection which he said had been lost in a house fire.

"Do you have proof of purchase" I asked?

"Nope" he said.

Do you have any photographs of the items prior to the incident?

"Sorry no" he replied.

"Then how do I know that this isn't some sort of scam"? I asked.

He reached into his wallet and pulled out a picture of his wife.

I didn't even charge him his excess.
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Studies show 3 out of 4 women will experience some kind of sexual assault during their lifetime, so if you are not one of the 3 you obviously need to lose weight.

 

[K0rN_b4LL]

If women are so good at multitasking, how come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?

 

[Alex.J]

In Korea if you want to marry a woman you have to beat her father in an RPG.

In Afghanistan if you want to marry a woman you have to shoot her father with an RPG.

In Russia, RPG marries you.

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So Jesus walks into an inn. He hands the innkeeper 3 nails and asks "Can you put me up for the night?"

These racist jokes aren't funny or appreciated.