Jokes thread

[BlackDragon37]

I really miss not being able to slam the phone down on people. Violently pressing the "End Call" button just doesn't quite have the same effect.
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I've overcome dyslexia and qualified as a Funeral Director.

I'll give my competitors an urn for their money.
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Some call it "alcoholism".

I call it "keeping my emotions hydrated".
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NASA is currently examining the planet Mars in order to work out why it has changed from warm and wet to cold and dry.

Maybe it got married.
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I told my father of my intention to enter the priesthood when I left university.

"I can't believe it, " he said, "my own son, a paedophile."
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What's brass and sounds like Tom Jones?

Trombones.

 

[BlackDragon37]

I think female nipples are the only things that get hotter as they get cold.
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With the release of the iPhone 6, Apple have announced that they'll recycle its used products for free.

Which isn't to be confused with the other thing that Apple usually does - recycling the same old idea for £600.
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In divorce, women have all the right and men have all the lefts:

Left homeless.

Left penniless.

Left childless.

Left for another man.
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I recently started a company that sold gold-plated butt plugs.

Everything was going fine until Apple sued me for stealing their idea of selling overpriced crap for assholes.
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I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you'll never convince a chicken fried this rice.
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In America, flipping the bird means an offensive gesture using your middle finger.

In Britain, flipping the bird means it's time for anal.

 

[BlackDragon37]

Rihanna is rumoured to be launching a new TV talent show this Autumn.

It's called The Ex Smacked 'Er.
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I'll stop at nothing to avoid using negative numbers.
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Why have no women ever been sent to the moon?

It doesn't need cleaning yet.

 

[BlackDragon37]

The benefits of joining ISIS:

* A new identity.

* Intense religious indoctrination.

* A virgin bride to marry.

Oh, sorry... That's Scientology.
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Is that a banana in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?

Neither, it's my new iPhone.
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I told my wife that she has to buy me a Father's Day present.

I mean, why should I suffer just because she had a miscarriage?

 

[Nyte]

Regarding music, there's good news and there's bad news.

The good news is that there are actually girls who don't like One Direction.

The bad news is that they're called "Beliebers".