I'm not saying my girlfriend's fat but she contracted the flesh-eating Ebola virus and it gave up.
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My dwarf girlfriend went to work this morning upset with me, because I've been taking the piss out of her size. So I'm going all out to make it up to her tonight.
I've got a good bottle of wine in and bought her the latest DVD box set of her favourite programme. When she gets in from work I'm going to order her favourite takeaway for her tea, then go upstairs and run her a nice hot sink.
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A Jewish guy punched me in the face at Silverstone today.
All I did was tell him I was part of the Mazda race.
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They say air traffic controller is the toughest job in the world.
I disagree, I think it's editing Top of the Pops repeats.
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I was walking down a street when the woman in front of me dropped her bags. She asked me for help.
"Of course I'll help," I said to her, "With how beautiful you are, I bet you can get a man to do anything."
She giggled and flirted back by touching my arm and saying, "With how strong you are, I bet you can get a woman to do anything."
I laughed and said, "Yes, I can actually."
Then I raped her.
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You've got to feel a bit of sympathy for Justin Bieber.
He's been to every single Justin Bieber concert.
