Jokes thread

One day a man was dreaming peacefully that he was going to heaven. In his dream he saw way up in the sky a golden ring. So as he flew up to reach it, god told him "Grab the golden ring, my son" So the man stuck his finger in the ring, but when he woke up he realised he had his finger up his ass.

-Rid
 
There's a competition between 3 guys. You have to go into room #1 where there's a bottle of tequila and drink it as fast as you can, then move on to room #2 where there's a wild bear and kill it as fast as you can, and last room, room #3 there's a naked girl and you're supposed to fuck her as fast as you can. Fastest time wins.

First guy goes in, drinks the tequila in 30 minutes. Second room, he kills the bear in another 30. Then last room, he fucks the girl in 15 minutes. A grand total of 1hr and 15 minutes.

Second guy goes in the first room, drinks the tequila in a faster time. Then kills the bear even faster, and fucks the girl att the same speed as the previous one.

The last guy comes in to the first room, drinks the bottle of tequila in 15 seconds, but then when he got the the 2nd room after 3 hours he still didn't get out. The people started wondering wtf had happened, but after a while he finally got out with scratches and bites, bleeding and tired, and before proceeding to the final room he said "Alright, where's the girl I have to kill?"
 
1. A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples!!" The man yelled "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."


2. This couple were in bed getting busy when the girl places the guys hand onto her pussy. "Put your finger in me..." she asks him. So he does without hesitation, as she starts moaning. "Put two fingers in...", she says. So in goes another one. She's really starting to get worked up when she says, "Put your whole hand in!". The guy's like, "Ok!". So he has his entire hand in, when she says moaning aloud "Put both your hands inside of me!!!". So the guy puts both of his hands in! "Now clap your hands..." commands the girl. "I can't", says the guy. The girl looks at him and says "See, I told you I had a tight pussy!"

By the way, all these jokes are garbage compared to the ones I used to know =/ but it's been a long time so it'll be hard to remember the golden ones.
 
A British man is on trial in Dubai for allegedly throwing a naked prostitute out of his hotel window.

But since it's Dubai, he's only being charged with littering.
 
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