Jokes thread

One reason men and women are different:

Say 'ballroom' to a woman, she thinks dancing.

Say 'ballroom' to a man, he thinks boxer shorts.
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Kim Kardashian has reported that she hasn't experienced any nausea or vomiting yet.

That's because the rest of the world is doing it for her.
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Whenever I start to hate my job I think about the camera crew that has to follow the Kardashians 24/7.
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I just hope our next world war isn't with China. Who would make uniforms for the troops?
 
My mate just said, "What's your favourite mythical creature?"

I said, "Those happy women in Tampax adverts."
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I said to the wife, "You haven't said a word all night, is there something wrong?"

"What do you care?" she spat.

"Well, if something is bothering you that much to shut you up, I want to know for future reference."
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I've done a lot of stupid shit in my life, but at least I've never signed up at the gym in January.
 
Even though our daughter died five years ago, my wife still gets upset whenever I say her name.

Especially during sex.
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I was watching my sister breastfeeding her baby and couldn't help getting a little turned on.

I mean, if that baby can suck a nipple, imagine what else it could do.
 
I'll never join one of those online dating services. I prefer to meet someone the old fashioned way.

Through alcohol and poor judgement.
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The main reason so many marriages fail is that it was created when people were lucky to live past 30.
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Thousands of stoners give up smoking weed to avoid having any association with Justin Bieber.

Cleverest.

Government.

Propaganda.

Ever.
 
Speaking as a 14 year old boy, whenever I read about all the wars and starving people in the world, I can't help thinking about tits.
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My nan survived everything Hitler threw at her.

Ironically, she'll probably die this winter from having a gas bill bigger than his.
 
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