Jokes thread

Oscar Pistorius has said he won't be entering any further races.

I think he has to worry more about different races entering him, once he's in prison.
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"Your driving is fucking terrible," I said to my wife.

"Oh come on!" She said, "It's not that bad."

I just shook my head as I took a deep breath, got out of the car and swam to the surface.
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I'd be more inclined to donate £2 a month to Africa if they didn't try catching water in their hands and spilling most of it in the adverts.
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I find it hard to understand the fighting and bombings in Pakistan between Sunni and Shi'a.

I thought they were all about love and unity after hearing their hit single "I Got You Babe".
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I hate playing 'Guess What I'm Thinking Of' with the Chauvinistic Society. The answers are always the same:

"Is it an object?"

"Yes."

"Is it a woman?"

"Yes."
 
Only half the people who visit my surgery survive.

I'm a damn good abortionist.
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A Christian telling an Atheist he is going to Hell is about as scary as a small child telling an adult they won't get any presents from Santa.
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An electrician meditating:

Ohm...
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I guess we should count ourselves lucky Oscar Pistorius was competing in the men's 400m at the Olympics and not starting it.
 
It doesn't matter if you're black, white, old, young, tall, short or even if you're from another country.

It's what's INSIDE that counts.

I love you refrigerator.
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In an interview, Kim Kardashian has stated that if she were a man, she would want to have sex with Kim Kardashian.

Well she may not be a man, but she can go fuck herself anyway.
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You can always use a paper bag if a girl's fat and ugly.

And you can always use a plastic bag if she's unwilling.
 
Fears of an expected surge of millions of Romanians into the UK have abated as we have eaten all of their transport.
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Apparently Stephen Hawking is planning to run over a child to gain back the top-spot of world's most famous cripple.
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What is Hitler's favourite type of pizza?

The Hollow Crust.
 
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