Jokes thread

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I'm so hungry I could eat a lasagne...
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Never mind horses in lasagne, I think I've found Heather Mills' missing leg in my Linda McCartney sausages.
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Just bought a cucumber from Tesco.

Turns out its a horse's cock.
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So, after all these years, I finally have realised why horseradish sauce has been considered the ideal accompaniment to beef.
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I've always really liked horses,

apparently.
---[/UK]---

Of all the utensils that were invented to eat rice with...

How the fuck did two sticks win?
 
Michael J. Fox and Mohammed Ali met for the first time yesterday.

They're still shaking hands.
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Egypt has banned YouTube for a month.

Wait till they find out what you can watch on Pornhub.
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I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, "I don't know. I don't speak Chinese."

Then when people ask me what it means...
 
Pope Resigns.

True Catholic pulls out early.
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My New Years resolution is to stop pretending I'm Chinese.
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So, Rupert Murdoch is considering axing Page 3 of The Sun.

He should axe pages 1-2 and 4-76 while he's at it.
 
"I can do all things through He who gives me strength." Philippians 4:13

Pope retires due to lack of strength.

Someone's lying.
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When a guy calls you hot, he's looking at your body. When a guy calls you pretty, he's looking at your face. When a guy calls you beautiful he's looking at you heart.

All three guys still wanna fuck you though.
 
I bought a Valentine's Day card for everyone at our local Tourette's Society.

It's the thought that cunts.
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You can tell there's a recession on when even God is laying them off.
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Well what did you expect Bruce Willis to do about his acting career? I mean. c'mon - 5 Die Hard movies?

I guess what they say is true about old habits...
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Valentine's Day is a day where a lot of married men are reminded what a bad shot Cupid was.
 
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