Jokes thread

If women weren't meant to be sluts, Eve wouldn't have fucked the first guy she met.
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Police 'stole identities of dead children' to give undercover officers new identities.

"We can't understand what all the fuss is about." said detective Jamie Bulger & WPC Milly Dowler.
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If there was a war in my country because of my religion I would do the only rational thing-

Move to the other side of the world and demand them to adopt to my religion.
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I was checking out at Tesco today when I noticed the man in front of me put one item on the conveyor belt... a box of condoms. Not only did he notice me staring, but decided to make super uncomfortable eye contact.

So, to lighten the mood I put my bottle of ketchup on and said, "Looks like we've both bought something to put on our sausages!"
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It was the night of the lotto draw and by the time I got home I had missed the results, so I asked the wife how I did.

"Sorry dear,you didn't win, so I threw the ticket away".

"That's a shame".

"You were close though, five out of six!"

...

They're still searching for the body.
 
Chris Huhne wishes he could 'turn back the clock'.

Which, let's face it, is yet another serious motoring offence.
[/UK]
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I was walking a girl home through the park after spending a fortune on her all night.

"When we get to your place, am I coming in for a coffee?" I asked her.

"No, you're not." she said. "If your plan was to buy sex, you can think again!"

"If you didn't like that plan," I said, looking round, "you're gonna hate my plan B."
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At least my massive stroke wasn't all bad news.

My poker playing has improved by about 50%.
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Had a fight with an erection this morning.

I beat it single handedly.
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How can you possibly explain the concept of death to a young child?

Well, you need a hamster and a hammer.
 
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