Jokes thread

What concert costs 45 cents?

50 Cent... featuring Nickleback.

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What does Saddam want for Thanksgiving?

Turkey.

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Why do Jewish men have to be circumcised?

Because a Jewish women wont touch anything unless it's 10% off

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How do you know someone has an iPhone 5S?

Don't worry, they'll let you know.
 
The iPhone 5S.

Because the government collecting our fingerprints has never been easier or trendier.
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The local vet had an accident and broke his leg. What happened next will haunt me for the rest of my days.

A horse turned up and shot him.
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To all those who have commiserated and sent their sympathies, the family of the late Ray Dolby would like to say: THX.
 
'Benjamin Button.'

'BENJAMIN WHO?'

'Benjamin'

'WHO'S THERE?'

'Knock knock!'
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I really admired my elderly neighbour's brief but excellent bongo playing last night.

In the morning, I went over to congratulate him but he was lying at the bottom of the stairs.
 
I was tossing and turning all night when at 5am the wife asked, "Can you not sleep?"

"No, I'm just so excited about Tuesday," I said.

"Aww, that's so sweet thinking about our anniversary," she said slipping her head under the covers to give me a blowjob.

I didn't have the heart to tell her I was talking about the release of GTA 5.
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I can't understand when people say they could shit through the eye of a needle.

When I have diarrhoea, I lack that kind of accuracy.
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I got hauled off a Ryanair flight on Friday morning for being drunk, and I spent the rest of the weekend in jail.

There was almost a riot on board after I'd left.

Apparently everybody else wanted an upgrade too.
 
As a child, I was made to walk the plank.

We couldn't afford a dog.
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As kids, we always enjoyed dipping ginger nuts into hot cups of tea.

Of course, nowadays it's called "bullying".
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Grandma said that when she was young, she never had to worry about leaving her back door open.

What a slag!
 
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