Jokes thread

A man is sitting at a bar enjoying a cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous, sexy, young woman enters. The man can’t stop staring at her. The young woman notices this and walks directly toward him. Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman says to him, "I'll do anything you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100, with one condition." Flabbergasted, the man asks what the condition is. The young woman replies, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words." The man considers her proposition for a moment, withdraws his wallet from his pocket, and hands the woman five $20 bills. He looks deeply into her eyes and slowly says, "Paint my house."
 
I read that Jimmy Savile and Gary Glitter had a major falling-out in the 70s.

They almost went their separate ways, but decided to stay together for the kids.
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Abu Hamza, Abu Qatada, Anjem Choudary, Omar Bakri Muhammad and Hassan M. Abukar:

The five pillocks of Islam.
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My wife asked me, "On a scale of one to ten, how much do you love me?"

I replied, "I'm still counting the zeroes."

"Wow! That much?" She beamed.

"Yeah, it's a pretty big decimal."
 
Bono has announced a charity single in aid of the families involved in missing Malaysia flight MH370.

He is going to re-release U2's "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For".
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On a scale of Chris Brown to Oscar Pistorius, how dangerous is your boyfriend?
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I hate violence against women.

I prefer to call it violence for men.
 
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I pulled my cock out of this fat girl's arse, then she turned over, spread her legs revealing her sweaty, hairy minge, and said, "Are you going to eat that?"

"Your pussy?" I asked, disgusted.

"No, that," she replied, pointing at the sweetcorn on my knob.
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"Scientists discover female insect that has a penis".

Bet it originates from Thailand.
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When Jewish boys are born they get circumcised.

Because, apparently, God made a mistake.
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If you're walking past an anorexic person in the street, turn sidewards balancing along the narrow curb as you pass them, to make their day.
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A minute's silence for the recently deceased isn't very respectful.

More like an imitation.
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Yesterday was the anniversary of the crucifiction.

And no, that's not a spelling mistake.
 
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