Jokes thread

Why do Muslims cut off girls clits?

They don't want them to have bigger cocks than them.
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Easter Sunday, the most important day in the Christian calendar.

The day God created the chocolate egg.
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The last time Liverpool won the league, Jon Flanagan's mum & dad were still just brother and sister.
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Invited to a fancy dress party, I told the wife "I'm just going to drag-up in a skirt and go as you."

"Don't talk daft." She said. "You'll look ridiculous, you fat cunt."

"Exactly."
 
My wife went camping when she was on her period and, unfortunately, attracted a bear.

She ripped the poor thing's head off.
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8 killed in Finland parachutist plane crash.

I feel their pain, my brother drowned on a ship transporting life boats.
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As I snuggled up to my boyfriend on the sofa, I whispered in his ear that I wanted to marry him.

He shot through the door quicker than Oscar Pistorius.
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My wife found my stash of lesbian porn but that cool because we are lesbians.

Gay marriage is gonna screw up so many jokes.
 
Three North Korean workers are imprisoned together and they ask each other what they are in for. The first man says "I was always ten minutes late to work so I was accused of sabatoge." The second man said "I was always ten minutes early to work so I was accused of espionage." The third man said "I always got to work on time so I was accused of having a South Korean watch."
 
A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."

The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?" Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"

A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert. They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish. The redhead wished to be back home. Poof! She was back home. The brunette wished to be at home with her family. Poof! She was back home with her family. The blonde said, "Awwww, I wish my friends were here."
 
A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie. He decided to try it out at dinner. He asks his son "What did you do this afternoon?" The son replied "I did my homework." The robot slaps the son. "Ok, Ok, I was at a friend's house watching movies." The father asked "What movie were you watching?" The son replied "Toy Story." The robot slaps him again. "Alright, we were watching porn." The father said "What? At your age I didn't even know what up porn was." Then the robot slaps the father. The mother starts laughing and says "Well, he certainly is your son." The robot slaps the mother.

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This one time at church my brother said he would give me $10 if while the priest was throwing the holy water around on everyone I got up, hissed and yelled "IT BUUUUURRRRNNNSSSS!"

Do you know how many emails I got from angry Christians in my inbox? 666

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What does a cannibal do after he dumps his girlfriend?

He wipes his butt! :p
 
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