Jokes thread

Give a man a fish,and he'll eat for a day.

Give a black man a fish, and he'll call you a racist, because he wanted chicken.
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Mirrors:

Skyping for schizophrenics.
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So Katie Price is divorcing her latest husband, Kieran the plasterer.

They met as he used to work for her.

Putting on her make up.
 
Congratulations to Conchita on winning the Eurovision Song Contest.

The last time an Austrian with amusing facial hair made such a big impression across Europe was in 1939.
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Heartfelt congratulations to Russell Brand on winning this year's Eurovision Song Contest.
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So Austria won Eurovision by a whisker.
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10 dentists are sitting in a conference room. Which one is British?

The one with the yellow crooked fucking teeth.

Which are American?

None of them. It would be near impossible to fit nine of them all in the one room.
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A man walks up to a woman in a bar and says, "You're going to get laid tonight".

A bit surprised, she asks, "Really? How do you know that? Are you psychic?"

"No, I'm just stronger than you."
 
A local pastor went to the dentist to get new false teeth.

The first Sunday after getting them he only talked for 8 minutes. The following Sunday he only talked for 10 minutes. But the Sunday after that he talked for 2 hours and 45 minutes!

The congregation had to mob him to get him down from the pulpit and asked him "What happened?"

The pastor explained. On the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn't talk more than 8 minutes. On the second Sunday he couldn't talk more than 10 minutes. But on the third Sunday he put his wife's teeth in by mistake and couldn't shut the hell up!
 
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