Jokes thread

The judge looked down on Rolf Harris and said, "What you did was inexcusable, how does five years and nine months sound to you?"

"Fantastic" replied Rolf, "A threesome!"
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I only need to get locked up for a few months I can meet all my heroes from the 70s.
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Statistically, 24/25 holidaymakers enjoy oral sex.
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I feel sorry for the holidaymaker filmed in Magaluf giving blowjobs to 24 men in the mistaken belief that she would win a holiday.

Now that it turns out that the prize was just a cocktail, she probably feels like a bit of a slut.
 
I've complete sympathy for the latest victims of Rolf Harris to have come forward.

It must have been terrible living with amnesia until now.
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How to win an argument:

1. Have a vagina.

2. That's it.

3. You win.

4. Congratulations.
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I've started writing jokes on laxative bottles for shits and giggles.
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After being sentenced to 5 years and 9 months in jail, Rolf Harris is said to be turning to religion to help cope with being behind bars.

When asked for more details, he claims to feel a deep connection to the Catholic Church.
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My boss asked me, "do you believe in life after death and the supernatural?"

"Yes, I think so," I replied.

"I thought you would," he said. "Yesterday after you left to go to your grandmother's funeral, she phoned up to talk to you..."
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Bit unfair of Glastonbury to put Dolly Parton on at 5pm on a Sunday, given her strict working hours.
 
20 years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope, and Steve Jobs.

Now we have no cash, no hope, and no jobs.

PLEASE do not let Kevin Bacon die.
 
Feel sorry for Julio Cesar tonight.

Last time I saw a Brazilian facing this many shots he was jumping a ticket barrier at Stockwell.
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What's the difference between Brazil and Oscar Pistorious?

Oscar Pistorious has a better defence and more shots on target.
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I haven't seen David Luiz this upset since Bart and Lisa got him sent to prison.
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Normally when I'm watching a Brazilian take a beating like that I have the volume lower.
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England can't win anything. Brazil took away our top spot of Most Embarrassing team.
 
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