Jokes thread

An elderly couple were married for many years. Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard and the old man would say "When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life!" The neighbors grew very afraid of the man.

One evening, the man died at the age of 98. After the funeral the neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked the widow "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up out of that grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?"

She replied "Let him dig. I buried him upside down and I know he won't ask for directions."

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A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
 
I've got 69 problems.

My girlfriend's a midget.
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Did you hear about the guy who caught his wife cheating, chopped her and her lover up into little pieces and scattered the bits all over the Yorkshire Moors?

No?

Good.
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I was voted off the X-Factor on my first audition.

I forgot to tell them that my mum is dead.
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I was in Edinburgh today, and saw a woman wearing a T-shirt that said, "Yes".

Long story short, I'm up on a rape charge tomorrow.
 
Fact #1: Scotland can leave the UK simply by checking a box that says "Yes".

Fact #2: I have to agree to 18 pages of terms and conditions to download iOS 8.
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What's the difference between Will Smith and Scotland?

Independence Day.
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An Irishman and Two British men walk into a bar...
 
Mama Mia - classic Abba song or Yorkshire kid telling his Mother he's arrived?
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When I was growing up, selfies were accidental Polaroids of our thumbs.
 
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