Jokes thread

I don't know where I'd be without my mum.

Probably wiped up in a tissue.
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I was surprised this lunchtime, when the wife managed to serve me up a banana that tasted of fish.

I never knew she had it in her.
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Hans Lipschis, 93, has been arrested in Germany on suspicion of having been a guard at Auschwitz during the Holocaust.

He admits to working there, but claims he was only a cook.

I doubt that claiming to have been in charge of the ovens is going to help his defence much.
 
So Angelina Jolie has just undergone a double mastectomy to have her breasts removed due to cancer concerns.

Just when I thought she couldn't possibly get any sexier, she goes ahead and has surgery to give her the chest of a nine year old.
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Genies are tricky little fuckers and will always try to twist what you wish for.

For example, last night I wished that my flat-chested wife could have tits like Angelina Jolie.
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What's the difference between a belt and a bra?

Not a lot if you're Angelina Jolie.
 
Angelina Jolie said "I lost my mum to cancer, my kids won't".

That's because 'your' kids lost their mums to you.
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Praying is a lot like masturbation.

It feels good to the person doing it but does nothing for the person being thought about.
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Saw someone try and park a car for about 10 minutes.

I didn't see the person so I'm not going to assume what gender she was.
 
TEACHER ARRESTED

A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, Attorney General Eric Holder said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

"Al-Gebra is a problem for us," the Attorney General said. "They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values. They use secret code names like "X" and "Y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns" but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country."

As the Greek philosopher Isosceles used to say, "There are 3 sides to every triangle."

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Obama said, "If Allah had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes." White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President. It is believed that another Nobel Prize will follow.
 
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