Jokes thread

The earth is rotating at over 1000 miles per hour, however humans don't feel the effect of it.

Until the ninth or tenth pint.
---

Women wake up yawning and men with an erection.

Coincidence?

I think not.
---

Thatcher's funeral only cost £1m.

The rest is Tony Blair's appearance fee.
---

Haven't all these people protesting at Margaret Thatcher's funeral got jobs to go to?

Oh wait...
---

After Sunday's events in Boston, there is to be a 30 second silence before the London marathon.

To listen for ticking.
---

Well summer has finally arrived.

The smell of seared meat and smoke drifting over the garden fence.

I'm so glad I moved to Boston.
 
I put a black wife beater on today, but I kept getting a lot of weird looks and carrying Chris Brown on my shoulder became tiring.
---

All Americans should use their second amendment rights and carry bombs at all times, to protect themselves from terrorist bombers.
 
When the news broke that there were a few more bombs that never exploded my first thought was "Fucking Noobs!"
 
The first rule of OCD Club is that there must be a second rule, so we have an even number of rules.
---

Chechnyans bomb Boston. Now Americans are calling for an attack on The Czech Republic in retaliation.

People of Chichester: Prepare for invasion.
---

After Boston marathon bomber Dzhokhar Tsarnaev was captured in a boat in a garden, it seems his knowledge of terrorist bombing was obviously much greater than his knowledge of sailing.
---

The USA have blamed Chechen terrorists for the Boston bombings.

Didn't realise Chechnya had any oil.
---

Latest drug from Australia to sedate young kids - Rolphypnol!
---

Apparently the media knew about the Rolf Harris allegations in November last year, but only described him in reports as "an 83 year-old entertainer living in Berkshire" for privacy reasons.

Either that, or they couldn't tell who it was yet.
---

Crying doesn't make you less of a man.

Unless your mascara runs.
---

I think we should forgive Rolf Harris, simply because he's such an amazing man.

For example, on Animal Hospital he once cured a young boy's pet snake in under 2 minutes. All he got the boy to do was stroke it under the blanket until it vomited.
 
I'm so pleased that police have stepped up security for the London marathon.

It would be dreadful if that dead guy and that bloke in hospital with gunshot wounds struck again.
---

I think I've got athlete's foot!

Amazing what you find on the streets of Boston!
---

The 30 second silence before the start of the London Marathon today was impeccably observed.

You could hear a pin being pulled.
---

Geordies must be perpetually confused that "Aldi" is not open 24 hours a day.
---

Kids! If anyone tells you you have ADHD, pay no attention.
---

The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a pressure cooker, is a good guy with a pressure cooker.
---

What's happy and sad at the same time?

A clown beating his wife.
---

For my next magic trick,

I'll turn this 12 pack of beer into domestic violence.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top