Jokes thread
- Thread starter Blade_edge
- Start date
BlackDragon37
[12] Conqueror
"Why does Donald Trump keep coming out with such ignorant, racist comments?" asked my wife.
"He's trying to win an American election," I explained.
"He's trying to win an American election," I explained.
BlackDragon37
[12] Conqueror
Americans:
"It's 'mom' not 'mum'!"
"It's 'color' not 'colour'!"
"It's 'football' not 'rugby'!"
"It's 'soccer' not 'football'!"
"It's 'chips' not 'crisps'!"
The English:
"It's 'school' not 'shooting range'!"
---
Caitlyn Jenner "wants to be Bruce again."
Typical woman, can't make her mind up.
"It's 'mom' not 'mum'!"
"It's 'color' not 'colour'!"
"It's 'football' not 'rugby'!"
"It's 'soccer' not 'football'!"
"It's 'chips' not 'crisps'!"
The English:
"It's 'school' not 'shooting range'!"
---
Caitlyn Jenner "wants to be Bruce again."
Typical woman, can't make her mind up.
BlackDragon37
[12] Conqueror
I think it was stupid of David Bowie keeping his cancer a secret.
The amount of likes he would have got on Facebook would have saved him ten times over.
---
What was David Bowie's last hit?
Probably morphine.
---
EVERYTHING these days is being 'Re-Branded':
Budget cuts = 'Austerity'
Shitty weather = 'Global Warming'
AIDS = 'An 18 month battle with cancer'
---
I wondered what kind of publicity stunt David Bowie would come up with to promote his new album.
Just when you think you've seen it all, he ups the game for everyone!
---
David Bowie dead...
Didn't take Lemmy long before he started giving out party invitations.
---
Shortly after arriving in heaven Lemmy was summoned to see God in his office.
God said to Lemmy, "Lemmy, you have been a fine servant to music and the arts, I will grant you one wish and let you bring something from Earth to heaven. It can be anything you want, whatever you most enjoyed on Earth, I will allow you to have it in heaven"
Lemmy gave his answer and returned excitedly to his room.
A few days later Lemmy stormed back into Gods office and shouted "I said blowie not Bowie!"
The amount of likes he would have got on Facebook would have saved him ten times over.
---
What was David Bowie's last hit?
Probably morphine.
---
EVERYTHING these days is being 'Re-Branded':
Budget cuts = 'Austerity'
Shitty weather = 'Global Warming'
AIDS = 'An 18 month battle with cancer'
---
I wondered what kind of publicity stunt David Bowie would come up with to promote his new album.
Just when you think you've seen it all, he ups the game for everyone!
---
David Bowie dead...
Didn't take Lemmy long before he started giving out party invitations.
---
Shortly after arriving in heaven Lemmy was summoned to see God in his office.
God said to Lemmy, "Lemmy, you have been a fine servant to music and the arts, I will grant you one wish and let you bring something from Earth to heaven. It can be anything you want, whatever you most enjoyed on Earth, I will allow you to have it in heaven"
Lemmy gave his answer and returned excitedly to his room.
A few days later Lemmy stormed back into Gods office and shouted "I said blowie not Bowie!"
K0rN_b4LL
[14] Master
The wife texted me one cold winter morning: "Windows frozen won't open."
I text back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it, and gently tap edge with hammer."
5 minutes later the wife texts back: "Computer is really messed up now."
---
A farmer was sitting in the neighborhood bar getting hammered. A man came in and asked the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day, getting drunk?" The farmer shook his head and replied, "Some things you just can't explain." "So what happened that's so horrible?" the man asked as he sat down next to the farmer. "Well," the farmer said, "today I was sitting by my cow, milking her. Just as I got the bucket 'bout full, she lifted her left leg and kicked over the bucket." "Okay," said the man, "but that's not so bad." "Some things you just can't explain," the farmer replied. "So what happened then?" the man asked.
The farmer said, "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left." "And then?" "Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket 'bout full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket."
Man laughed and said, "Again?" The farmer replied, "Some things you just can't explain." "So, what did you do then?" the man asked. "I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right."
"And then?"
"Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail."
"Hmmm . . . " the man said and nodded his head. "Some things you just can't explain," the farmer said. "So, what did you do?" the man asked.
"Well," the farmer said, "I didn't have anymore rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in . . . Some things you just can't explain."
---
I text back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it, and gently tap edge with hammer."
5 minutes later the wife texts back: "Computer is really messed up now."
---
A farmer was sitting in the neighborhood bar getting hammered. A man came in and asked the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day, getting drunk?" The farmer shook his head and replied, "Some things you just can't explain." "So what happened that's so horrible?" the man asked as he sat down next to the farmer. "Well," the farmer said, "today I was sitting by my cow, milking her. Just as I got the bucket 'bout full, she lifted her left leg and kicked over the bucket." "Okay," said the man, "but that's not so bad." "Some things you just can't explain," the farmer replied. "So what happened then?" the man asked.
The farmer said, "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left." "And then?" "Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket 'bout full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket."
Man laughed and said, "Again?" The farmer replied, "Some things you just can't explain." "So, what did you do then?" the man asked. "I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right."
"And then?"
"Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail."
"Hmmm . . . " the man said and nodded his head. "Some things you just can't explain," the farmer said. "So, what did you do?" the man asked.
"Well," the farmer said, "I didn't have anymore rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in . . . Some things you just can't explain."
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