Jokes thread

[BlackDragon37]

People seem really upset about Lance Armstrong admitting to doping.

Personally I'm even more impressed. If I smoked dope, I wouldn't even get off the couch, let alone win a bike race.
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Golf ball sized hail wouldn't be as destructive if we just made golf balls a lot smaller.

Do I have to think of everything?
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Thousands of dead fish have washed up on the coast of South Carolina.

Today the NRA said that this wouldn't have happened if those fish had guns.
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Just a few words of advice for everyone in these snowy conditions, if the BBC ask you to send in pictures of you and your family having fun in the snow, don't do it.

It's just an excuse to get pictures of your kids.

 

[BlackDragon37]

If you stain your clothes whilst eating, don't panic. Get two bottles of white wine.

Drink them quickly and you won't give a fuck.
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I am so worried about I.D. theft I have changed my name to Lance Armstrong.

Nobody wants to be that cunt right now.
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If the snow falls in the forest...

Will London stop whining?

 

[BlackDragon37]

Why don't game developers take out the middle ring in game discs to fit in more graphics?
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My girlfriend thinks it's hilarious that my mates call me 'Kermit'.

She says they're implying that I'm a skinny, neurotic, pushover.

She doesn't know they only began calling me that when I started shagging that fat fucking pig.
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My girlfriend creeped me out by saying she wants to roleplay as a 14 year old girl.

I said "What's the rush, you're going to be 14 in a couple of years anyway!"
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I think snow may cure disabled people.

I've seen no one in a wheelchair since it started landing.
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I don't see why cot death is considered such a tragedy.

Just buy another cot.
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It's just my luck to drop my cocaine in this snowy weather.

 

[Hot Rod Dave]

Theres a british show ive been watching called "an idiot abroad". Has this guy doing bucket list things for that ricky guy and he has a "little" buddy named Warrick that travels with him (warrick played as willow in the 80's film).

But that guy is the most crybaby, whining pussy ive ever seen. Are all you brits that much of a joke?

 

[BlackDragon37]

Man sat behind a woman on the bus - "Excuse me, you have semen on your jacket."

Woman - Pardon? I'm sure it's just yoghurt.

Man - Nope, I don't ejaculate yoghurt.

"Excuse me," I said to the woman sat in front of me on the bus, "You have some semen on the back of your jacket."

"I'm sure it's not semen," she said. "It's probably yoghurt."

"It's definitely semen," I replied. "I don't ejaculate yoghurt."

If women who sleep around too much were labelled heroes instead of sluts, men would be having a lot more sex with them.

If women were labelled "heroes" instead of "sluts" for sleeping around so much, men would be having a lot more sex.

Someone fucked up here...

Jus' sayin'. :-P

A photo posted on Twitter of Justin Bieber's bare arse was exposed as a fake...

After somebody noticed that there wasn't a cock in it.
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My daughter admitted that she is having lesbian sex with her best friend.

As a reward for her honesty, I bought her a video camera.