Jokes thread

Roses are red,
Violets are glorious,
Don't try to surprise
Oscar Pistorius.
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She didn't notice Oscar sneaking up behind her. It was the silence of the limbs.
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New evidence has been found outside the Pistorious home that completely acquits him of his girlfriend's murder.

Footprints.
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Oscar Pistorius. Just because he has no legs doesn't mean he's unarmed.
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Absolutely shocking news from South Africa.

White man arrested for murder.
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What did Oscar Pistorius get for Valentine's day?

20 years.
 
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I got woken up at four in the morning by a big black male burgling my house.

I mistook the intruder for my gorgeous blonde girlfriend.

So I accidentally fucked him up the arse.
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I got my girlfriend a "Sex in the City" boxset for Valentine's day.

She told me to return it. Apparently it contains 25% horse.
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Just heard the shocking news in the world of disabled sport.

Someone's fucked Ellie Simmonds.
 
I see what Pistorius is doing. He is going to jail for 25 year and when he gets released... Bang! President of South Africa.

That's how it works over there, right?
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I was in the cinema last night when a stunning girl came over, leaned seductively on the empty seat next to me and said, "Is this taken?"

"No," I replied, "A Good Day To Die Hard."
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Apparently I am a marvellous wife. According to my husband, I deserve an Oscar...
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I had the best valentines day ever. I had sex with the most gorgeous fit blonde I have ever seen.

Being the mortuary assistant in Pretoria has its perks.
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What's the difference between a woman and a goat?

Quite a lot according to the law.
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My young son asked me what a cunt is.

I told him, "It's a very naughty word that means vagina."

"Daddy, what's a vagina?" he asked,

I said, "Son, it's something very special."

He replied, "Mummy thinks you're something very special."
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I don't know why people are worried about horse DNA in Burger King's burgers.

I'd be far more concerned by the human DNA in the mayonnaise.
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It's hard not to envy Oscar Pistorius' girlfriend.

I've never seen anyone receive so many flowers on Valentine's Day.
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As we slipped into the harbour, I told my pirate crew "We're gonna kill all the men and rape all the women."

I added, "Oh, and fucking get it right this time!"
 
So the Pope has resigned due to 'advanced age'.

Well put.

We do live in an age that's too advanced for popes.
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Amazon are selling a book called "Test Your Dog's IQ."

Presumably, if you buy it, it's considerably higher than your own.
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New food contamination scandal.

Aunt Bessie's Yorkshire puddings found to contain Uncle Ben's DNA.
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I'm struggling to find any of my usual porn.

When I Google "fucked African amputee" now, all I get is stories about Oscar Pistorius.
 
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