Jokes thread

I've been watching so much porn lately, I've started spitting on my front door lock before I put the key in.
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The man who invented Velcro has died.

RIP.
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Sports.

That's what happens when people take 'fucking about' too seriously.
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Nelson Mandela's doctors have today said he's much better.

So there's no real reason to keep him in that hospital now. We should start a campaign to get him out, maybe write a song or something.
 
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?

Feyonce.
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My extremely gay friend had an 80's themed costume party. I came dressed up as AIDS.

Nobody really knew what I was at the start of the party, but by the end, everybody got it.
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It's forty years ago today since the first mobile phone call was made.

It was to customer services and he is still on hold.
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Because of the size of my cock, women find it difficult to walk after I sleep with them.

I react very violently to laughter.
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The new pope has washed and kissed the feet of some young offenders at a youth prison near Rome.

Slowly, slowly catchy monkey.
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Shaving off your pubes with a cut-throat razor shows that you've got balls.
 
According to the documentary Mick Philpott always gets what he wants!

He wanted a mixed race family

He's now got 11 white kids and 6 black ones.
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When I was younger a priest told me that God watches me when I masturbate.

If that's not the actions of a paedophile I don't know what is.
 
I really hope the situation between North Korea and the USA doesn't turn nuclear.

Britain is well out of Korea's missile range, but it's pretty fucking likely a few of America's would land on us.
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My wife's so fat we regularly get stopped by clowns in the street asking where she buys her trousers.
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Spent the last seven days trying to think of a really great joke, but all I could come up with was a week pun.
 
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