Jokes thread

[BlackDragon37]

This gin and tonic is 91 calories.

This banana is 105 calories.

My doctor told me to make the healthy choice.

I love my doctor.

 

[BlackDragon37]

Andy Murray is the first British Men's singles champion at Wimbledon in 77 years.

To put that length of time into context: 77 years ago, Nelson Mandela wasn't even ill.
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Murray might be getting a knighthood?

It's Tennis. They weren't fucking jousting.
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I saw my first Ethiopian DJ last night.

MT Stomach.
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I'm not saying that my mum used to be a slag, but when I was born she slipped me back in and out a few times.

 

[BlackDragon37]

I don't like the term 'morning wood'.

I like to call it my girlfriend's alarm clock.

 

[BlackDragon37]

All Jay-Z's problems have been undone by his brother, Ctrl-Z.

 

[BlackDragon37]

Scooters are for men who want to ride motorcycles, but prefer to feel the wind on their vagina.
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A Roman walks into a bar, sticks two fingers up to the barman and says, "Five beers please."
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We had a power outage last week and my PC, TV and games console shut down immediately, so I had to talk to my family for a few hours.

They seem like nice people.
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"Hi, I'm Jane," she said.

"I'm Christopher," I replied, "but everyone calls me Dick for short."

"How do you get Dick from Christopher?" she asked.

"You ask nicely," I said.