Jokes thread

What's the difference between democracy and terrorism?

Whether the US is attacking or being attacked.
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Nicolas Cage said in an interview that he avoids watching his own movies.

He's not the only one.
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So a computer manages to fool people and it's all over the news.

The Catholic church has fooled humanity for two thousand years and anyone hardly gives a shit.
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You know it's a great orgasm when your toes are tossing out gang signs.
 
FIFA President Sepp Blatter today left his Brazil hotel with a riot squad surrounding him.

Reports say it was to protect the public from his bullshit.
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What did the confused Magnesium Oxide say?

OMg
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It's not surprise sex - it's a struggle snuggle.
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Justin Bieber's career in ruins.

Proving once and for all that racism can be a good thing.
 
My wife was reading the paper and said, "Tut tut, that's terrible. Another woman in India has been gang-raped and hung."

I replied, "Actually it's 'hanged'. In India, women are hanged. In Thailand, women are hung."
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Johnny goes to confession and says, "Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."

The priest ask, "Is that you, little Johnny Babineaux?

"Yes, Father it is."

"And who was the woman you were with?"

Johnny says, "I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Johnny, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Comeaux?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Teresa Thibodeaux?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Nina Olivier?"

"I'm sorry but I cannot name her."

"Was it Cathy Prejean?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Rosa Prudhomme, then?"

"Please, Father," Johnny pleaded, "I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, Johnny Babineaux and I admire that. But you've sinned and
have to atone. You cannot attend church services for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."

Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend Jack slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

Johnny replies, "Four months vacation and five good leads..."
 
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