Jokes thread

Argentina have put in an appeal to FIFA stating that on the grounds the trophy was in Brazil and Argentina was therefore closer to it than Germany then it should rightfully be theirs.
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Apparently 1 in 50 priests are paedophiles.

49 in 50 are just better liars.
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Did you know that the word "emaseht" is spelt the same backwards?
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Dunno why the Argies are so upset, thought they'd be used to coming second like they did in the Falklands...
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What's red and orange and looks good on hippies?

Fire.
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My teacher said, "If you have two apples and, when you get home, your father gives you one... What have you got?"

I said, "Two apples and a sore ass, sir."
 
A fat bird started chatting me up in the club last night and I mentioned I'd just had my birthday this week.

"Well, happy birthday, sexy," she purred, stroking down my chest. "If I come back to yours tonight, could you put a smile on my face?"

"Probably not," I told her. "There's no cake left."
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Scientists in South England have created the world's darkest material called 'Vantablack'.

I'm not so sure. I think once we locate those 114 missing child abuse files on the Westminster paedophile ring, THEN we'll see who has the darkest material.
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I said to my son, "Where do you want to go on your school trip, a tour of cathedrals, or a tour of BBC light entertainment?"

"Fuck the BBC, " he replied, I'll take the 50/1 with the church."
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If Lionel Messi deserved the Golden Ball Award, then Luis Suarez deserves the Fair Play Award.
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Mohammed spent a lot of time up mountains, slaying goats and raping children.

Jesus spent a lot of time around the docks and managed to feed the 5000 on fish.

And that, people, is the difference between gross prophet and net prophet.
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I was recently at a night club, and tried to avoid being humiliated by going up to the ugliest, fattest chick and asking, "Hey babe, wanna suck me off?" - but it was to no avail, she merely replied, "not in a million years".

I ended up at home alone having a wank and crying.

You may be wondering what the joke is here.

It's me.
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What's the useless mound of flesh around the nipples?

The woman.
 
Life is like a box of chocolates,

it sucks if you have diabetes.

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I had a blind date with a really bitchy girl who said she wanted to be treated like a princess.

So I put her in the back of a Mercedes and drove it into a tunnel wall.
 
Spare a thought for Cheryl's new husband.

It must be tough looking down on all those roses on her ass and knowing that they only look so good because the manure has been dug in by a spade.
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What's the difference between a hospital and a brothel?

Nothing if you're Jimmy Savile.
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Nothing quite says "Oh fuck! Better get rid of some people in the cabinet before they get fingered by this gathering child abuse scandal and completely fuck up our chances in the next General Election!" like a major cabinet reshuffle.

Right, Dave?
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Confucius say: man who ignore subject-verb agreement rule sound like wise Chinese philosopher.
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Pistorius.

Sounds like something Harry Potter would say to make your legs fall off.
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Seeing is believing.

Except when you're reading Daily Mail.
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Thorrrrrrrrrrr! Look at the tits on that!
 
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