Jokes thread

This morning, I was beaten up by a busty woman in an elevator.

I was staring at her boobs when she said, "Would you please press 1?"

So I did.

I don't remember much after that.
 
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So there is going to be a half hour segment tonight on Crimewatch, re-visiting the night Madeleine McCann was abducted.

I'm not quite sure how 25 minutes of Kate and Gerry eating tapas and drinking sangria will help jog anyone's memory though.
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Most women think men are amateurs in bed, but I don't think so...

We're not the ones who struggle to reach orgasm.
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Kate McCann: "We're not the ones who have done something wrong here."

Sorry Kate but when Josef Fritzl can look after his kids better than you can, you shouldn't make those claims.
 
I was giving my young son a wash when all of a sudden he shat in the tub.

"Bath turd!" I yelled as he sat there giggling.

The little fucker won't be laughing when I get rid of my lisp.
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I came home after a night out with work.

"You're early," my wife sneered. "I thought you'd be out all night flirting with that slag Tracy."

"Actually, she invited me back to her place, but I said there's no point going for a burger when I can have steak at home."

"Aww, you do love me really, don't you..."

"Shut the fuck up and cook me a steak!"
 
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