Jokes thread

If you lose one sense, your other senses are enhanced.

That's why people with no sense of humour have an increased sense of self-importance.
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So feminists are saying Dr. Matt Taylor deserved it for what he was wearing?

Where have we heard that before?
 
What's the difference between Call of Duty and a restaurant?

A restaurant usually has a good host and servers that work.

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I'm convinced that Mario is actually a hobo.

He always wears the same clothes, runs around in sewers, collects coins for a living, and then uses those coins to buy mushrooms.

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If people think that the EA Madden curse is bad, remember what happened to that guy on their golf game.

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I'm not surprised that Borderlands has done so well here in America. We tend to get over excited about anything that combines shooting guns with the work 'borders'. I imagine there were a few people who were disappointed when they found out that there were no Mexicans in the game. (Aside from Salvador anyways, but you don't get to shoot him unless you are dualing)
 
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After the shooting of 12 year old Tamir Rice in Ohio whilst playing with a fake gun, the NRA has called for all fake and replica guns to be replaced with real ones in order to avoid any ambiguity.
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My date said I have to woo her before I get her into bed.

So, I pulled out my dick, started spinning it around, and yelled, "Wooooooo!"
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Apparently, Bob Geldof and friends are concerned that Africans don't know it's Christmas time.

So I'm going to send some Africans a nice picture of me eating my massive Christmas dinner, so they do know. I'm sure that Bob will appreciate the help.
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Roll call, 7am Ferguson Police Department; The Chief of Police addresses the watch:

"Will one of you cunts get out there and shoot a white boy for fucks sake!"
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If rioting has taught me anything, it's that black people get a lot of free shit I can't afford.
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Lewis Hamilton declared it to be best day of his life.

To be fair if Nicole Scherzinger kissed my helmet on live TV I'd do the same!
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If you don't have a TV licence, you could get sent to prison...

Where you can watch TV all day, without needing a licence.
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I've just invented a perfume made from holy water:

Eau my God.
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I gave my first ever blow job to my boyfriend today. Afterwards I had a pint of Fosters.

Well, I had to do something to get that horrible taste out of my mouth.

So I gave him another blow job.
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"Can we have 'Punctuation Sex' tonight?" I asked the wife.

"What do you mean, 'Punctuation Sex?" she queried.

"It's where I put my semi in your colon..."
 
I bought a pair of shoes from my drug dealer.

I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day.

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Kim Kardashian said that Christmas is her family's favorite time of the year.

Its the only day that they don't get insulted when they hear the words "Ho, Ho, Ho!"
 
Remember how white people rioted after OJ Simpson's acquittal?

Me neither.
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One of the short-skirted feminists at work confronted me for making a racist remark.

"If you were black, how would you feel right now?" she asked.

"Like raping you", I replied.
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John Cleese has caused controversy by saying 'You can't tell jokes about Muslims because they'll kill you.'

I for one applaud his honesty, and offer my sincerest condolences to his family.
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Apparently the Guardian newspaper is going to hire Pippa Middleton as their Style correspondent.

Which just goes to show you that if you work hard and get a top journalism degree, you'll lose your dream job to a woman whose sister married a fucking prince.
 
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