Jokes thread

A wise man once said... absolutely nothing.

He let her scream and shout, and then they had 'make-up sex' afterwards.
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Look Turkey, the Germans know what they're talking about. If they say it's genocide, it's genocide.
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Ever since I've downloaded Adblock Plus, all the single girls in my area seem to have lost interest...
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Now that dogs have been shown to be able to sniff out cancer, is this the end for the CAT scan?
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Common sense is like AIDS.

Some are born with it while others have to get it pounded into them.
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It's not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart.

One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
 
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According to scientists, super massive black holes may not exist in the universe.

They clearly haven't watched inter-racial porn.
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Say what you like about deaf people.

But not blind people, they can still hear you.
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Trying to understand women is like trying to smell the colour 9.
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Say what you want about Kim Jong Un, but his way of firing people is much more exciting than Lord Sugar's.
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What is the difference between Germany and Thomas Cook?

Germany issued a genuine apology for gassing children.
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Saying a woman wearing a skimpy outfit is "asking for it" is like saying a guy walking around in a football top wouldn't mind getting tackled out of nowhere.
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Daily Mail online: Masturbation may help prevent the common cold.

Hope so, I've got no tissues left.
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English is weird.

It can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.
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I've always wondered why porn films can be over 45 minutes long.

I mean, if it takes you that long to have a wank, you should be in them, not fucking watching them.
 
Sally is 16 and Amy is 14. How many years difference is there between them?

10 to 12 if you're caught with Amy.
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On the bright side, selfie sticks are also lightning rods.
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Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I'd highly recommend Fight Club.
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I've had an idea for a more realistic version of Call of Duty.

On the first level you have to fail all your exams.
 
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