Jokes thread

Millions of pounds have been spent on campaigning by both sides in the Scottish independence referendum, but the fact is, the result will be determined by whether or not Braveheart is on telly the night before the vote.
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I walked into the bathroom whilst my teenage daughter was masturbating.

I say walked in, it was more like I broke the fucking door down.
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If the independence referendum passes would that see the remainder of the UK walk away Scot-free?
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Apparently scientists have found female hormones in beer.

They observed that after they gave three men twelve pints, suddenly they talked shit, gained weight and couldn't drive.
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What's pink and sounds terrible?

Pink.
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My daughter got sent home from school in Rotherham for saying something racist:

"No."
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Muslim soldiers waving Kalashnikovs about?

Soft cunts. Little girls have uzis in America.
 
Going by Wayne Rooney's form...

He couldn't score in Rotherham if he was outside a kebab shop dressed as a 6 year old girl.
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Barack Obama has "brought shame to the nation" by wearing a tan suit to a press conference instead of more traditional attire.

What do they want? Chains and a collar?
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Reports suggest that critically ill Joan Rivers is about to meet her maker...

Dr. Victor Frankenstein.
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When you are in love, wonders happen.

But once you get married, you wonder what the fuck happened.
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My girlfriend was really shouting at me.

"Listen babe, don't get angry, get even," I suggested.

"And how do I do that?!" she demanded.

"I'll let you finger MY sister..."
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Women are like squaring numbers.

If they are under 13, just do them in your head.
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The Ice Bucket challenge is very much like the Police Academy movie series:

It gets even less funny every time you see a new one.
 
So someone on 4Chan has released hacked nude photos of celebrities including Jennifer Lawrence, the Olson twins and Mila Kunis.

On the one hand, this is a disgraceful invasion of privacy but, on the other hand...

...well, that hand is busy.
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I prayed to Jesus Christ our Lord that I would win the Lotto and I won a tenner.

To all you atheists out there, I think that both proves He exists and that he was a Jew.
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The body of the hacker of the Jennifer Lawrence photos was found earlier.

He's apparently the first man to be hi-fived to death.
 
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