Jokes thread

'There's been a sharp rise in sudden Dementia cases in men the last couple of years.'

Sounds about right. That's around the same time Operation Yewtree was launched.
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Ebola can live in semen for up to 2 months.

I better wash my socks.
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Erm, so you are asking me not to tell lies...

...by swearing upon the Bible?
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My daughter has just taken two black guys up to her bedroom to study together.

From the sounds of it they're getting every revision question right.
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Knock knock.

"Who's there?"

"Dejav."

"Dejav who?"

Knock knock.
 
Rihanna broke up with Chris Brown after she caught him cheating with a waitress.

She said she knew something was up when Brown came home with another woman's lipstick on his knuckles.

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In Germany they are opening up a training camp facility for strippers.

Its called Auschtits

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Apple's CEO Tim Cook has announced he is gay.

Samsung's CEO is expected to announce tomorrow he is waaay gayer.
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I'm going to a Halloween party in Essex and needed a really scary costume..

I'm going as a book.
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Toilet roll used to be the number one item required to take a shit comfortably.

Now it's a phone.
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What's Tim Cook's favourite variety of apple?

Cox.
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I've just received a text from my girlfriend that reads:

"Hello birthday boy. When you get home from work, there'll be a hot bath waiting for you. When you've finished, come into the bedroom and I'll suck you dry ;)"

Fuck that, it'll take ages. I'll just use a towel.
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'Time is a construct of man, a means of adding value and structure to a chaotic universe, it serves no real purpose, it's endless and infinite, unfathomable and subjective.'

'You're still fucking late,' replied my boss.
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I went to see a therapist.

I said, "I'm not sure if I'm a man or a woman."

He said, "Right. Just pull your pants down for me."

I said, "No."

He said, "You're a woman."
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Robbie Williams broadcasting his wife's labour. I can see why, it'll probably be the only time when he can prove he isn't the biggest cunt in the room.
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Tim Cook, CEO of Apple has come out as gay.

Explains why his phones are bent.
 
My Dad just told my Mom that she is one-in-a-million.

That means there are 6 people like her in Wisconsin, 312 in the US, and 6,973 on Earth. That's a lot of people who are really bad at making meatloaf and always buy the wrong kind of cereal. God save us all.
 
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