Jokes thread

I'm so going to hell

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I'm gonna start calling my weed "The Quran"

Because every time you burn it you get stoned.

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A man at a bar talking with friends-

"My wife and I have been for married 10 years today. To only have sex with one person for 10 years takes true dedication."

"I honestly don't know how she does it."
 
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I went to a bar last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.

I said "Good legs."

She giggled and said "Do you really think so?"

I said "Definitely, most tables would have collapsed by now."



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A soldier, who was habitually drunk, publicly announced to his company and the surrounding companies that he was swearing off drinking and that all the other soldiers should give up this foul habit also.

The other soldiers would tease him to fall off the wagon by giving him wiskey and get him drunk. Every morning he would be back preaching about the sins of alcohol.

One day his tent mate said he ought to give up preaching about the evils of the jug as he always ends up drunk. With a twinkle in his eye he said-

"What, and give up all that free whiskey?"
 
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